I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
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yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
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Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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