once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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