I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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