we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
