Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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