Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
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She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
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Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.