Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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