My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
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Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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