Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
