I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
