The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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