dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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