how can u be prego again
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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