A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize