Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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