fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
