I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
