i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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