hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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