I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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