I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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