i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
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It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
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I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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