i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
