Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
