I'm so fucking centered right now
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
