I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
