I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
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We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
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At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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