cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
