Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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