I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
