I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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