i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
