I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
