I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My vagina just recognized that song.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
