dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
