I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
