I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
