You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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