i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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