"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I love you. Go after that dick
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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