her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
