I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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