Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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