She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
