my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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