my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
