drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
