My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
