He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
