She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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