I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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