I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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