Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
