you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
