Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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