she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
