I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I didn't notice because vodka
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
